So, where do I begin.
It has been too far from the beginning I guess. Way too far and this is the real version of "once you go black you'll never go back" that you often see in those movie.
I've finished national exam, I've do my best and now I'm at phase where I should pray hard to God, asking His help to give me best result as a reward for what I've done and keep waiting and praying 'til the announcement day. But lately I find myself more and more frustrated. It happens more often when I can’t sleep. Thinking about the future and how uncertain and unpredictable it is, really scares the hell out of me and this thought suffocates me.
And thinking about the future:
Where I am.
Why I am here.
Where I’m going.
And what if that the plans I’ve set out for myself didn't run well.
And what if I can't make my parents proud of me.
And I can’t come up with any answer.
So I feel like hanging my head and crying.
I've try my best to do well in high school, work hard and struggling so I could stand this far. I want to graduate from high school with satisfying result, go to state university and have a bright future. But this thought really bothering me. I always have this thought that I'm incompetent in comparison, when I see my friends who seem to have it all together.
I know I just need to focus and stop underestimating my self that way, but I am losing my sense of motivation. I know what motivates me, but I don’t know if all the “sacrifices” that I've done to reach my future goal, is really going to be worth it in the end. Shit I hate thinking about the future. I don't hate the future, just the thought of it, that really frustrating.
Yes, indeed.
The future is scary, worrying, depressing, frustrating, suffocating, uncertain, undepredictable, you name it. I think many people would agree with that.
But however, no matter how scary the future is, not a single one of us can go back and change the past. You can’t take back things you said, you can’t undo the things that you did and you’re not going to have a chance to turn back the clock and do things you wish you had.
I have to get to write my own ending to my story. Wise one once said: "The scars you bear are the signs of a competitor. You’re in a lion fight. Just because you didn’t win doesn’t mean you don’t know how to roar". For that reason, no matter how many pain, scars and disappointment that I've been tasted, I believe that I still have the chance to be whoever I want to be, I still believe in hope for my future, and I always believe Allah will never forget to rewards those who work hard.
Well, like Robin in How I Met Your Mother said, the future is scary but you can't just run back to the past because it's familiar.
Now I'm going sleep because I have to go to study center tomorrow.
Xo
