May 30, 2013

Here's To Endings & New Beginnings

 I was sitting in front of my laptop, surfing the internet and listening to my favorite song, before my mind filled with everything that happened in these past three years.

I still remember everything, clearly, in 2010, when I started to entering high school. I still remember my anger and hatred toward my parents when they force me to enter this school. I was being forced at that time. I still can remember how depressed I was in this school because my scores was drop drastically and studying all night long still didn't help and how hard it was to fit in. I used to cry every single day after school because I feel so mad, angry, sad and stupid mostly, because I keep getting bad score after I've done everything.

And then my mind jump off to 2012, when I'm entering to social class and that was the first time I feel exceedingly excited going to school. My scores are getting better and better than I used to. And I still remember clearly how shocked I was because I get a bad scores at Math and that's the beginning of my "eternal hatred towards mathematics". I keep struggling and struggling to get better scores at Math. But still, I can't understand it. Isn't it pathetic when your friends only needs a second to catch it, but you need a MILLION TIMES just to do the same thing. And I still remember, how sad I was because I clearly see it that Math isn't my thing, my passion is anything related to music, design, art and words, but I STILL HAVE to do it to graduate from this school.

And it felt like yesterday, I still remember how nervous I was when I'm facing national exam, in Mathematic especially. And how happy and grateful I am because I finally graduate from this school.
But then I feel burdened with a fact that I still have to struggling again to go to state university, I still have to facing Math and still have to wait again till the announcement of SNMPTN. I still remember how suffocated I was because I can't stop coughing, because I'm too nervous, when the announcement of SNMPTN is in an hour. Even when I'm already allowed to saw the result, I still didn't have any courage to type my name and my D.O.B and click enter.

I keep staring my laptop, my heart keep telling me "do it do it" but my mind said "no don't listen to that bitch, you're not ready to see it yet". I feel like my head and my chest is going to blow up in that afternoon. I can't resist anymore. So, I asked my brother to go upstairs to accompany me to see the result, in case if something bad happened, I've got his hands to catch me if I passed out. I typed my name, my D.O.B, and then click the enter. I closed my eyes. I still didn't have any courage to see it. But the I opened it , and I saw a green font that said

I immediately screamed and cried hysterically, still can't believe what I saw. I hugged my brother and still can't stop sobbing even though he told me I look so ugly when crying. I finally made it. I finally got accepted to state university. I finally got it from a way that I never thought I could passed it. I finally made it. This is really a sweet ending from my bittersweet journey throughout highschool. God really answer my prayers. Even saying "I'm so thankful" still didn't enough to describe how happy and grateful I am for what I achieve. Yay!

Thus, in my experience, high school sucks, but I finally survived. I finally made it. Well, a chapter ending but the stories only just begun. Now what?

May 7, 2013

The future is scary. But...

So, where do I begin.
It has been too far from the beginning I guess. Way too far and this is the real version of "once you go black you'll never go back" that you often see in those movie.

I've finished national exam, I've do my best and now I'm at phase where I should pray hard to God, asking His help to give me best result as a reward for what I've done and keep waiting and praying 'til the announcement day. But lately I find myself more and more frustrated. It happens more often when I can’t sleep. Thinking about the future and how uncertain and unpredictable it is, really scares the hell out of me and this thought suffocates me.

And thinking about the future:

Where I am.

Why I am here.

Where I’m going.

And what if that the plans I’ve set out for myself didn't run well.

And what if I can't make my parents proud of me.

And I can’t come up with any answer.

So I feel like hanging my head and crying.

I've try my best to do well in high school, work hard and struggling so I could stand this far. I want to graduate from high school with satisfying result, go to state university and have a bright future. But this thought really bothering me. I always have this thought that I'm incompetent in comparison, when I see my friends who seem to have it all together.

I know I just need to focus and stop underestimating my self that way, but I am losing my sense of motivation. I know what motivates me, but I don’t know if all the “sacrifices” that I've done to reach my future goal, is really going to be worth it in the end. Shit I hate thinking about the future. I don't hate the future, just the thought of it, that really frustrating.

Yes, indeed.

The future is scary, worrying, depressing, frustrating, suffocating, uncertain, undepredictable, you name it. I think many people would agree with that.

But however, no matter how scary the future is, not a single one of us can go back and change the past. You can’t take back things you said, you can’t undo the things that you did and you’re not going to have a chance to turn back the clock and do things you wish you had.

I have to get to write my own ending to my story. Wise one once said: "The scars you bear are the signs of a competitor. You’re in a lion fight. Just because you didn’t win doesn’t mean you don’t know how to roar". For that reason, no matter how many pain, scars and disappointment that I've been tasted, I believe that I still have the chance to be whoever I want to be, I still believe in hope for my future, and I always believe Allah will never forget to rewards those who work hard.

Well, like Robin in How I Met Your Mother said, the future is scary but you can't just run back to the past because it's familiar.

Now I'm going sleep because I have to go to study center tomorrow.