UGH

It's been almost 3 months. I remember how excited I am when I'm making promise to myself that when this long break begin, I will become productive. I'm going to seek for internship or part time jobs. But here's the bitter fact: I end up doing nothing during holiday (beside taking care of my store). Eat, sleep, watching Korean TV Series, shopping, repeat. I absolutely enjoyed it at first but now I find it really frustrating. Fats  everywhere, and this dark circle under my eyes is getting darker every single day and I almost spend all of my profit from selling clothes... TO BUY MORE CLOTHES AND MAKE UP.

Now I have no idea how to support myself for the next month, I hope I'm not going starve to death. How can I be so dumb, spending all my money from working really hard for the sake of clothes and make up. I've been applying for jobs, from fashion magazine internship, graphic designer to part time sales associates and barista jobs. I've applied everywhere. And to be honest, I haven't got any job yet. So, I'm pretty much freaking out. Although, it's still less than a week since the last time I'm applying jobs. A bit dramatic, I know. But, I have a reason to be.

So here I am, testing my luck, trying my best to get out of survival mode and get my comfortable, frugal and peaceful life back. I can't wait to be back college and hopefully I get hired and start working on August. I really want a job right now.

OH
And Happy Eid Mubarak everyone. 

May the Guidence and Blessings of Allah Be With You and Your Family.

An Open Letter To The Person I Choose To Leave In The Past

So, hello, you. We haven’t talked in a long time, two years I guess. Until you texted me several days ago. I deleted your number, but I knew exactly who it was. You ask me how's life, how's my family, how's college. And at that time I started wondering how this conversation will ended up like.  And as we continue texting, all the memories and those crumpled thought come flooding back.


My mind starts to wandering to the past. To the beginning when you were my everything and how obsessed I am with this "ghost" in you. I loved the fact that this ghost makes me felt like there was some dark side in the corner of your mind that I couldn’t get to. There was this honest, mystery, unexplored fragment of your soul that I was hoping and trying my best I could reach. I thought the ghost would agree with my thought that I'm different than everyone who has tried ask him before and then let me come into you, but I am not. I was so disillusioned but I tried to reconnect, again and again and again. I keep trying to show you that the time we spent together is not waste of time. But the ghost shot me down. No, I was wrong, it was You. You shot me down. More times than I can count — I reached my hand out but you recoiled. And that's the time I think I'm done trying.

And as the time goes by, I finally can accept that what happened between us in the past is never been your fault, not the ghost's, or me, it's none of us fault. I finally can deal with the fact that things don’t always turn out the way you want them to, or the way you picture they will. Things aren’t completely black and white, or right and wrong. Things are complicated. Sometimes people just aren’t meant to be. It’s no one’s fault. That sappy love quotes are definitely right, two people who were once in love can fall back out just as easily. I’m not sure why this happens, but I guess it's because people change; they grow apart. Their ideas on life and the future begin to change. And in the end, they heading for opposite directions.

As much as I wish things could ended up differently between us, I know that there's nothing we could do. I don't regret ever being with you, never. I never regret being rejected by the ghost in you everytime I'm asking to come inside. And I don’t feel like it was a waste of time. We gave it our best. But now, I think it’s time for us to move on. For you to move on. To forget about me. To forget about the way my hand felt in yours. To forget the way my eyes would focus only on you when you're talking. To forget the way I would rub your back to calm you down when you got angry. To forget the way I  introduce you to my friends and family, like you were my everything. To forget about how I would laugh at your jokes, even when you knew that wasn't funny. To forget about the way my eyes lit up when you start talked about something that both of us are passionate about. To forget the meaningless conversations about life at 3 AM. To forget about the future that we were supposed to have together.

I’d be lying if I said that seeing your number pop up on my screen didn’t makes
me feel marvelous but I'm sorry I choose to leave you in the past and I think you should do the same.

Not-So Happy Life Update

Sorry for the long blogging hiatus. Too busy contributing this and that project, preparing for those shitty presentation, doing my job as radio station music director, working hard for the assignment, midterm and final test or project, seeking for an internship, applying scholarship and the last one, managing my new and growing online store (find it on Instagram: @babooshka_store hahah of course no, I'm not selling my stuffs in this post!)

Geez, what a list.

I feel my life has changed in many ways.

You can tell in my eyes that my sleeping schedule is totally fucked up.

And I admit that it's been super fucking hard for me to maintain positivity and self-care or any kind in balance.

But recently, I feel very lonely, very anxious, very scared and very sad. I currently questioning "Is life worth living? What should I do with my life? Why things won't work out well? How do I know when to give up or try harder? God, what is your plan for me?" everytime I pray.

I supposed to be happy and grateful for all the things I already got, but, I don't know, I just feel empty, and I feel like those emptiness is starts to suffocating me and it getting worse each day. I'm yearning for a nice, long, undisturbed sleep and waking up happily without feeling depressed.

I'm feeling a whole lot of things right now and I don't know if I'm doing everything okay or not. It's one of those nights where all I wish I could do is curl up with my mom and cry into her shirt while she rubs my back and tells me that everything is gonna be okay.

Ugh.

I don't like it like this.

God, please help me.

What sould I do? 

Klimaks.

Sampaisampai aksara pun akhirnya letih 

kemudian meninggalkan puisi dalam sunyi. 

Menghampakan imaji, menyesakan nurani. 

Malam begitu gelap sampaisampai 

tak mampu menguraikan sekerlap cahaya

di kota sepi ini. 

Siapa suruh nekat mengantar rindu yang telah lama dianggap h a n t u?

My Resolutions (well, usually only lasts for the first two weeks) For A Better 2014

It’s the third day of 2014. Oh my god. It's surprising how fast time goes by. And I just realized that I haven't written my New Year's resolutions down yet. Well, now I will make an exhaustive list of all the things I’d like to change about myself, dwell on them for about two weeks and then forget about them. Yea. Well, whatever, here's some of 'em:

•     pray five times a day
•     stop apologizing unnecessarily
•     don’t engage in small talk that doesn’t interest you
•     smile often
•     stop being busy and start being productive
•     control yourself
•     be brave to say “no”  without feeling guilty and without further explanation
•     be kind to yourself
•     eat more vegetables
•     drink more mineral water
•     STOP ONLINE SHOPPING ON INSTAGRAM FOR GOD'S SAKE
•     read more
•     be proud of yourself
•     take time off from life when needed
•     be patient with yourself
•     take more pictures (selfies included)
•     love yourself even harder than before
•     try new things
•     be ruthless when needed
•     do whatever the fuck you want
•     don’t explain yourself to people when you don’t want to
•     write more
•     stay as positive as possible
•     cry when you need to
•     get a better sleep
•     be grateful
•     have fun, live your life to the fullest

Well, that's all. Good night.