Don’t Let Your Happiness Depend on Something You May Lose

Omg, it's been a quite long time since my last post. So, how are you guys? I hope you're all as healthy as I am.
Well, there are a tons of shit that happened in my life since my last post and I can't wait to share it with y'all.

• I went to Big Bang concert a few months ago. Yep, that Big Bang. That Korean boyband. Surprised, huh? Me too. But, after a longgggg time I had this "korean boyband = lip-sync + concist with muscle man dancing like a girl on stage" mindset and then I saw Big Bang live, now I realize why my chairmate trying so hard to change my mindset that Big Bang is different. Yep, they're different, don't compare them to those shitty boyband that you saw on TV Music Program. I'll not promoting Big Bang here, so you better google them and find what exactly I mean by " they're different" by yourself.

• Soooo, my first semester is nearly end. I can not wait to get my report card (though I get worried my grade is going to slipped down or shit) and here come the toughest semester in high school. Probably, I'll not updating my blog for a quite long time because I need to focus and work hard to go to state university. Wish me luck, okay?! :)

• And the last, I've officially 17 years old now. HAHAHA. Welcome to the legal age (well, not too legal actually), finally I got my ID card in my wallet. I'm so proud :") Well actually, I'm a little bit worried about turning being 17 at first, because I'm afraid, I can't be mature enough or wise enough as people expected me to be. But then my boyfriend said, that's normal, that's what we called "The phase of Life", we can't instantly mature or wise without having enough experience to learned. He said, I don't need to hide or worried about it, just go with the flow and don't overthinking stuff too much. Oh, and speaking of which, the best part of being 17, I got a lot of surprise, wishes and presents from my family, my boyfriend, and my friends. I'm really really happy. And thanking everyone endlessly for the wishes, surprise and presents (no no, I'm not going to cry)

Thus, that's all. I feel content, healthy and loved. I'm so grateful about that. I'm going to go back to Jogja tonight, and here come the week that I've been waiting like forever. I hope you guys having a great holiday! :)

A Thought Of A Dreamer #19

"We accept the love we think we deserve"

                                  —Stephen Chbosky (The Perks of Being a Wallflower, pg. 24)

When I was reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower, I came across to this quote. Well, yes, everyone has different interpertations of what it means, just as every other thing in this world. Nobody is right or wrong, it can be whatever you want it to be. I'm pretty sure, when Stephen Chbosky wrote this book, he didn't look at every statement he wrote and thought "I want this sentence to mean to the reader exactly what it means to me!". Good authors and poets have to understanding that their works mean something different to eveyone.

Oh, speaking of which, I find this quote extremely deep and rich in meaning. Sometimes, us, as human being dont realize how truly incredible each and every one of us are, the people that love us (let it be your family, friends, or your significant other) know how absolutely incredible we are and they try to show us through their love but we talk ourselves down, we let ourselves think we are not good and we have no purpose and we wonder why anybody would ever love us. We have a hard time accepting the love they have for us when we dont think we deserve it. We are only capable of feeling the love that we think we deserve. 

So many people settle for less than they're capable of because they truly believe that they dont deserve that recognition that love gives you. And when I say "settle for less than they're capable of" you may precieve it how you would like (I know you will anyway) but I dont JUST mean in relationships, I mean in your work or the way you carry yourself everyday.  

Do you ever hold back from something that you could do? Or not accept a gift that someone has offered  because you dont think you deserve for it? I think that's what this quote means. That we often hold ourselves back from things we desire because we believe we are not good enough for it. This.
You're good enough for anything. You can be whoever you want to be. You deserve the best. Dont worry about what you deserve, never hold back, take chances. Because someday, you wont be able to.

A Thought Of A Dreamer #18

              I'm really excited when it comes about taking pictures. Especially with roll film, because the result is unexpected and it's the second time since I developed my first roll film. And I just got my roll developed and a bit disappointed with the result. There are still a few photos, like 3 or 5 that blank. But it so much better than my first roll film that almost the entire film was blank. That's horrible, I know. 

             I use Fujifilm and Skina Smiley Toycamera, it's the cutest camera I've ever had, if you never heard about my camera, just google it. I think I really need more practice about taking photos with roll film, like seriously.

PS: Oh and hello August! A few days left before Eid Mubarak holiday, can't wait!

A Thought Of A Dreamer #17

 

دیگران را ببخش، نه به خاطر اینکه لایق بخششند، به خاطر اینکه تو لایق آرامشی

"Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace."

Mau Kemana?

Hi.

Besok adalah hari senin, dimana saya kembali menjalani rutinitas sekolah. Dammit.

Dan disinilah saya, di sore menjelang malam ini, masih dengan pikiran "Geez, I'm going to grade 12 already, welcome to the toughest and shitiest year in High School" yang terus seperti terus menghantui berkejar-kejaran di dalam pikiran saya selama liburan. Dan terus terang, itu sangat mengganggu dan membuat saya (agak) khawatir.

Banyak dari teman-teman di kelas saya yang sudah membicarakan tentang hal-hal perkuliahan jauh-jauh di kelas 11. Seperti membicarakan dengan gamblang-nya tentang universitas mana yang akan mereka tuju, jurusan apa yang ingin di ambil bahkan beberapa diantaranya sudah ada yang membicarakan prospek kerja yang berhubungan dengan jurusan yang akan mereka ambil.

Dan saya seperti, oh please, SHUT UP Y'ALL SERIOUSLY. 

Dan semalam saya pun akhirnya menyerah, saya tidak mau terus-terusan dihantui kecemasan yang mahadahsyat seperti ini. Saya pun akhirnya menghubungi saudara sepupu saya, yang umurnya lebih tua, dia baru saja selesai mengurus skripsinya dan bersiap-siap menghadapi sidang di bulan Oktober.

Saya pikir dia mungkin akan memahami tentang problem saya dan tidak akan bersikap menghakimi atau menggurui.  Lalu saya menceritakan tentang semuanya dari awal sampai akhir. Saya bercerita bahwa saat ini saya masih terjebak di hal-hal yang semua nya saya suka dan sangat tertarik untuk memperlajarinya. Salah satunya yang akan saya bahas di sini adalah Fotografi.

Saya bercerita bahwa saya sangat ingin sekali bisa mengambil jurusan Fotografi dan masuk Institut Seni Indonesia di kota Jogjakarta.

Dan untuk membuat posting ini lebih singkat, setelah panjang lebar bertanya ini itu, dia kemudian bertanya dengan panjang lebar:

"Oke kalau lo emang sangat berpassion untuk menggeluti bidang Fotografi, tapi sudahkah elo berpikir tentang mudah tidaknya prospek pekerjaannya? Emang asik kalau menggeluti something yang sesuai dengan passion kita, tapi bukan jangan ngebuat itu menjadikan kita terlalu idealis, karena hidup gak selamanya bisa sesuai dengan idealisme yang kita miliki. Coba kamu pikirin lagi, tapi jangan terlalu diforsir jangan sampai mengubah fokus utama kamu: Lulus dari SMA. Kamu masih punya cukup waktu kok cit. Gak harus terus-terusan mikirin ini. Dan ketika kamu mau memikirkan tentang ini lagi dan akan membuat keputusan, tolong buat keputusan sebijak-bijaknya dan sedewasa-dewasanya ya"

Dan itu membuat saya sedikit termenung. Memang baik mempersiapkan sesuatu dari awal, tapi jangan sampai kita melupakan tujuan utama dan awalnya kita mempersiapkan sesuatu itu. Ya memang, hidup mengikuti idealisme itu enak. Tapi buat menghidupi hidup kadang tidak jarang kita harus mengalahkan ego pribadi dan mengesampingkan idealisme tersebut, yah untuk itu, menghidupi hidup, untuk melanjutkan hidup. Sepertinya saya harus belajar untuk menikmati alur dan belajar untuk tidak memaksa otak berpikir terlalu keras dan serius sampai kehilangan fokus. Semua akan ada waktunya, kalau kata sepupu saya.

Ah, saya kemudian teringat bio twitter salah seorang penyanyi independen perempuan di Indonesia, yang menurut saya sesuai dengan kondisi saya:

"Kadang kepala yang rumit ini sering lalai melihat hidup dari sudut pandang yang lebih santai"

Hm, sepertinya saya harus beranjak dari depan laptop dan memberi makan kucing-kucing saya yang sudah kelaparan dan... mempersiapkan untuk besok pastinya.

Selamat malam :)

Hello

 

Alright. So, its been way not too long since I last updated my blog. I've been really busy since the last post in early June, and a lot happened. And today, I got my report card. I passed all my subject, even Math. Thank God! I’m so happy. OH, and this is means.... HAPPPPPPY HOLIDAY MY LOVELIES! Hope everyone has a happy and safe holiday :D

oh, and Welcome to senior year, myself :)

Finals are now officially over. But I haven't be able to be sit back in front of lappy, playing games all day, hang out with my friends all night, not yet. Based on some result for a few subjects, I've got a remedials for 3 or 4 subjects. Holly shit. My grades are dropped. It scared the crap out of me. I need to hold on to those grades and don’t let them slip. 

It's time to decide which is more important in your life and make sacrifices to suit what is more important. I need to focus on my remedies to improve my score and probably will not be on here for a couple of week. Wish me luck! See ya’ll later! :)

PS: visit my page on Polyvore. Merci! :D

Popcorn?

So, I just watched The Virgin Suicides for the very first time. 

I absolutely loved it. But I always wondered why I never cried when it was over, I mean I wanted to. I could feel the pain build up inside me ready to release but I suddenly come to a halt, feeling what the boys must of felt in the movie. 

The girls didn’t want sympathy. They didn’t want attention. They were just desperate for way out. The story leaves you with questions no one but the victims can answer. I think that is why I find suicide so interesting. I mean that is what suicide is a death with no answers. In murders, car crashes, natural causes you can sometimes get answers. However even with a note left after, you never really get an answer because it died with the victim. 

I love reading books or watching movies like The Virgin Suicides, because it actually makes you think. It makes you wonder into a world so disturbing and beautiful all at the same time, kind of like the Lisbon Sisters. 

"You're a stone fox." -Trip Fontaine {love that scene}

“Why do you look sad?”
“Because you talk to me with words, and I look at you with feelings.”  

Anna Karina, Pierrot Le Fou

A Thought Of A Dreamer #16

A Thought Of A Dreamer #15

“Home is where the heart is.” You told me, and my heart waned and waxed and dropped its petals. 

“I’ve never really had a home.” I had told you quietly. 

“Never had your definition of a home.” 

But oh, how could I tell you, my midnight boy, that my postal address was in the floods and wildflowers of your chest - that I’d been meandering aimless roads and words and street-side margins without a home to return to, without a welcome mat to greet me. 

How could I tell you that it had hurt to stand outside underneath dripping clouds for sixteen years - believing, so desperately, that I’d be content as a drifter, as a girl held to the ground by strings. How could I tell you how easy it was to breathe knowing that you’ve unlocked your door for me, ushered me inside, kissed me dry besides the warmth of the hearth? 

Maybe that’s all I was looking for, for someone to take in these wide eyes and unruly hair. I’ve made myself home in the crook of your elbow, in the hollow of your neck, in the dip of your hip.

 I’ve planted gardens between your lips and I’ve grown roses beneath my kisses. Ivy climbs your limbs, and I’ll lay dormant in the comfort of your palms. I’ve hung up my hat and have put my slippers away. 

You’re home. I’m home.

Maybe all I needed were walls to believe in...

A Thought Of A Dreamer #14

I’m not anywhere close to being who I want to be. Some days that encourages me to keep trying to better myself, but other days it’s just so fucking discouraging. It sucks. And I don't want to be like this. I'm looking for some motivation help to keep me going. No, I'm not just look for it, I need it.

Banyak sekali hal yang saya tidak mengerti.

Salah satu hal yang saya tidak mengerti adalah bahwa saya memiliki hati yang sangat lembek jika mengaitkan sesuatu yang berhubungan dengan binatang, yang entah ini merupakan sebuah kekurangan atau kelebihan. 

Tapi di sisi yang berseberangan, banyak sekali manusia-manusia yang moral dan perilaku kejinya sangat luar biasa biadab dan terkutuk, yang dengan mudah nya melakukan hal-hal yang sangat barbar terhadap binatang.

Banyak sekali artikel-artikel tentang pembantaian hewan-hewan yang bertebaran di internet dan sangat memilukan hati.

Kerap kali saya tiba-tiba menangis sambil membaca berita tentang pembantaian hewan-hewan, yang benar-benar tidak berdaya dikulitin hidup-hidup, gak kasih makan dengan layak, tinggal atau dikurung di ruangan yang tidak sepantasnya untuk ditinggali makhluk hidup dan bahkan dijadikan budak seks. 

Lalu pikiran saya melayang, kalau sudah begini, kemana para petinggi negeri ini dan asas-asas hukum yang seharusnya bisa melindungi hak-hak hewan-hewan tersebut?

Atau asas-asas hukum dibuat memang untuk dilanggar dan dibeli? Atau lebih ekstrim, asas-asas hukum tersebut hanya ilusi yang notabene berarti tidak ada? 

Tuhan menciptakan manusia dan makhluk-makhluk hidup lainnya seperti binatang, untuk hidup bersama-sama dalam sebuah harmoni keselarasan bersama-sama diatas bumi. 

Tuhan menciptakan binatang untuk kalian olah dengan sebaik-baiknya dan sebijak-bijaknya untuk memenuhi kebutuhan hidup manusia, dan binatang sadar dan relaakan kodratnya yang seperti itu. 

Bukan untuk dibantai secara masal untuk diambil salah satu bagian tubuhnya, dikuliti untuk dijadikan fashion atau dipelihara namun hanya untuk prestise sosial.

Manusia-manusia, 

Terkadang perilaku kalian lebih menjijikan untuk disebut makhluk ciptaan Tuhan yang paling sempurna yang berdiri di muka bumi....

a little escape from the routines would be nice.

 just a little, my love.

Eeni Meeni Miini Moh!

I had a new kitten.

 I picked him from the ditch near my grandma house, and he was smaller from those pictures above that taken 2 months later.

I gave him a name, Boni. 

Don't ask why, because I don't have any answer why I gave him "Boni" as his name -_-

2/9/11

Can we go back to 2 September 2011?
And repeat all of those stuff that we've done?
Just want to remind myself once again  that I had felt that "feeling" even though it's just once.
That kind of feeling people write Novels about.
That kind of feeling when I was really really happy. That kind of joy feeling that I thought it was too wonderful to be true, that I was thinking it must be a part of my dreams or something, that would never happen in reality.
But I'm glad, It was real.
You were there. We were there. Once.
Feel tremendously happy so we were begging for that trip to stay lasts and would never end.
Begging and wishing for that trip that could be a new beginning, to have a faith that long distance relationship can work out, to have a new perspective on each other.
But time flies so fast, My Dear.
 It all memories now.
Memories are wonderful things, if you don't have to deal with the past. . .

"This is the sadness of the sea -
waves like words, all broken -
a sameness of lifting and falling mood." written by William Carlos Williams, The Descent of Winter, from Collected Poems 1921-1931

"It's love... it's not Santa Claus"

"I’m in love with you, and I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I’m in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we’re all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we’ll ever have, and I am in love with you." —John Green

What a quote. I just found this quote on a web and instantly enamored with it words. It's like.... a wind that blow softly in the gap between the depression caused by Math exam today that totally fucked up and the-love is in the air-mood that caused by a little text in the morning from this guy that said goodluck on my math exam and happy anniversary for us. Thankyou, my Man, You really made my day.



PS: If you read this post, I just want to say that I tremendously love with mixtape that you made. What an amazing music taste, me likey <3

A Thought Of A Dreamer #13

I think it’s funny that people seem to believe that just because I am alone means that I am lonely and aching for company. I’m sorry, but if you are surrounding yourself with people just for the fuck of it, you are probably a lot more lonely than I am.

PS: I have a midterm exam that start tomorrow. This is gonna be a hectic week that consists with study and a jumbo glass of coffee. 

So, I won't update this blog till I dont know when. No kidding, haha.

Wish me tons of luck on my exam ;) <3

 "I wish I could write. I get these ideas but I never seem to be able to put them in words." — The Beautiful and Damned by F. Scott Fitzgerald

The Definition Of Cuteness

and now my face just like this

 

A Thought Of A Dreamer #12

I’ll live in London. One day.

"Píntame un palacio con el pincel de tu alma. Dibújame unos jardines con los lápices de tu mente. Crea espacios imposibles, paraísos infinitos, en un lienzo donde el tiempo no existe."

Paint me a palace with the brush of your soul. Draw me gardens with the pencils of your mind. Create impossible spaces, infinite heavens, in a canvas where time does not exist.

Hujan dan Teduh

Kepadamu,
Aku menyimpan cemburu dalam harapan yang tertumpuk oleh sesak dipenuhi ragu.
Terlalu banyak ruang yang tak bisa aku buka.
Dan, kebersamaan cuma memperbanyak ruang  tertutup.
Mungkin, jalan kita tidak bersimpangan.
Ya, jalanmu dan jalanku. Meski, diam-diam, aku masih saja menatapmu  dengan cinta yang malu-malu.
Aku dan kamu, seperti  hujan dan teduh.
Pernahkah kau mendengar kisah mereka?
Hujan dan teduh ditakdirkan bertemu, tetapi tidak bersama dalam perjalanan.
Seperti itulah cinta kita.
Seperti menebak langit abu-abu.
Mungkin, jalan kita tidak bersimpangan

You know what’s sad about reading books?
It’s that you fall in love with the characters. They grow on you.
And as you read, you start to feel what they feel - all of them - you become them. And when you’re done, you’re never the same.
Sure you’re still you, you look the same, talk in the same manner, but something in you has changed.
Something in the way you think, the way you choose, sometimes, even the things you say may differ. But it all comes down to the state you go to after a nice novel. The after-feeling.
It’s amazing, but somehow, you feel left alone by that world you were once in.
It’s overwhelming. But it makes you sad.
Cause for once you were this, this otherworldly being in…
Neverwhere, and then you suddenly have to say goodbye after a few weeks from when you read the last page.
When you’ve recovered from that state.
It’s just… quite sad.

SPASI

Seindah apa pun huruf terukir, dapatkah Ia bermakna apabila tak ada jeda?
Dapatkah Ia dimengerti jika tak ada spasi?
Bukankah kita baru bisa bergerak jika ada jarak?
Dan saling menyayang bila ada ruang?

Kasih sayang akan membawa dua orang makin berdekatan, tapi Ia tak ingin mencekik, jadi ulurlah tali itu
Nafas akan melega dengan sepasang paru-paru yang tak dibagi
Darah mengalir deras dengan jantung yang tidak dipakai dua kali

Jiwa tidaklah dibelah, tapi bersua dengan jiwa lain yang searah
Jadi jangan lumpuhkan aku dengan mengatasnamakan kasih sayang

Mari berkelana dengan rapat tapi tak dibebat, janganlah saling membendung apabila tak ingin tersandung
Pegang tanganku, tapi jangan terlalu erat, karena aku ingin seiring dan bukan digiring

—prosa dikutip dari Dee

"Have you ever ..."

Have you ever felt like you don’t know what to feel?
Have you ever felt like you stared blankly at the computer screen trying to unscramble your thoughts, your feelings?
Have you ever felt like everything you do feels so empty, so blank? Have you ever felt like the world you’re in just collapse upon your shoulder within a night?
Have you ever felt like everything just seems so bitter? Have you ever felt like no matter how much you try to express your feelings, it’s never enough to make you feel okay?
Have you ever felt like all the hopes you once carried, no longer seem to matter? Have you ever felt like you wanted to scream all the unwanted emotions that you don’t even know what the hell you’re feeling?
Have you ever felt like you wanted to just sit out in the cold and let everything just fall apart?
Have you ever felt like you just wanted to eat your heart out? Have you ever felt like you’re never good enough for anyone even though you clearly know there’s someone out there who sees you as good enough regardlessly?
Have you ever felt like you wanted a hug, but there’s nobody to turn to because everyone’s too far out of your reach? Have you ever felt so out of places?
Have you ever felt like you don’t know what’s going on anymore. Like you don’t care about anything anymore.
Your mind is set on too many things that you are confused about your feelings, and you can’t explain how you feel either.
The feeling of emptiness,
and feeling that barely anyone is there for you.
Feeling that no one understands you anymore. And it seems like there is nothing to look forward to anymore.

Have you ever felt like this?
Because I sure hell am feeling all this right now.

Have I told you that my handphone has been stolen on Saturday? Yea. I lost my phone. Someone stole it from my bag when I'm at flea market with my friend. Couldn't explain more. I'm still sad to be honest, but yea, life goes on. I hope It means that I couldn't watch The Horrors or Architecture in Helsinki concert and saving my money to buy new phone. Yah, but I don't know if I watch 'em or not, still pay attention about saving money to buy new phone. God bless my wallet. Really need a tons of money miracle this month. Ha. Dear snatcher, whoever and wherever you are, I hope you have an agonizing death and rot and burned in the darkest and deepest corner of hell.


Xo,
Me


PS: Btw, I'm going to watch Foster The People on Wednesday. Haaaa, can't hardly wait. Exceedingly excited <3

Kelak

“kalau aku sudah dewasa
aku ingin menikah dengan kata
kami tinggal di rumah sederhana
tiang-tiangnya adalah air mata
ada huruf, kalimat, paragraf
duduk-duduk di sekitar halaman
mereka sedang belajar membaca
tentang apa itu cinta?
lalu mereka tertawa,
ada pernyataan begini:
“cinta itu bukan kata
cinta itu air mata.”
tapi aku tidak pernah dewasa
  aku tidak.” 

—sajak dikutip dari perempuansore

a happy new year story

 No one can go back and change the beginning, but everyone can start today and change the ending.
Happy New Year everyone!
I hope this year will bring you all more Love & Happiness. Your chance has been given to start out fresh with new goals & better decisions. Forget those who didn’t care & take those who did. Find more reasons to laugh & get rid of those that make you cry. Forgive the things, the people that just doesn’t matter anymore & work harder for those that still do.
Your book has opened up a new chapter for you, it’s time to start writing; make it worth reading. I’m wishing everyone out there all of the best for this upcoming year. That you find the strength to keep all of your resolutions to the end, that you have all of the happiness and love you can handle (and then some), and that life is kind to you.

Happy new year 2012! :)

 (know I’m probably really late in saying this, but I wanted to nonetheless)



PS: I hope you all had a great new years eve :). I just spend my new years eve at home with my cat, good music, Sylvia Plath's book, and sat alone on the rooftop of my house watching the fireworks. It really quiet and peaceful. I'm such a loner sometimes, yea.

Xo,
Me :)