A very late birthday present

I've got a little packet from a postman few days ago.

It's from a guy, I won't mention his name, you know, it probably would make his head getting "bigger" when he read this post haha.

At first I wondering, what is that? Why did he send me a packet, while in the night before he spent the whole night with me? And then I tear out the wrap paper and find these:

Thus, I just want to thanking you for those stuff even though it 24 days late from my birthday in 25 November.
Thank you for giving me that book that I've spent 3 years to looking for it. Thank you for the birthday poster, I really like it I swear.
And thank you for the love letter that really make me fly to the moon, thank you for still being yourself when you wrote that letter and not to try to give me those sappy-romantic words or something like that.
I am thanking you from my heart’s bottom.
Words can't say how much I appreciate what you did.
Thank you, again. 

Xo,
Me

A thought of a Dreamer #11

So, here the story goes.

I had a kind of weird habit, an unusual habit that probably common people didn't do this stuff. I don't know if is there any people out there do this. Well I'm not sure. Ha. Yeah, it probably kinda makes you guys a lil' bit curious and wondering what the heck I'm going to talk about. Okay. So I have a habit that started when I was on 8 grade on junior high school. Pretty long ago right. It's like there's just a day, where I want to be alone. Really alone. Literally. Not connecting with those society stuff, turn off my cellphone, go to somewhere that I'm sure there's no one (my friends) would find me or meet me  accidentally.

It's sounds weird maybe. I'm sure you might think I'm an anti-social or I had social-anxiety disorder or a kind like that and you're gonna close my blog and never come back again. Ahaha. That's quite funny, but no I'm not like that, I just want to share this. And that's all. Oh shit, I'm start to digress from the topic again.

Okay.

So today, I did my "weird habit" again. I'm going to Mall near my house, well not really near, it's quite far I thought. I went to that mall by public transportation and it's pretty crowded, for cat's sake. I can't stand. I just sit on the corner chair of the bus and start to "watching people". There are so many people that came from different background. And with different attitude.

So there's a guy, maybe about 25, wearing his office uniform. and jesus, this guy is definitely a massive scumbag. He always stare at woman (esp. young lady) with his I have no idea how to define his face, maybe his horny face, and at that time, he was staring at young lady who quite beautiful. and staring at her chest (read: breast) with "that" look. And he was smiling and keep staring. And I just like what the heck he was doing. I wish that young lady knew and slapped him with her high heels. Its kinda disgusting I guess. So I started to busy-ing my slef with my ipod and start to listen to Alex Turner's song. My favorite all the time.

And then I'm arrived on my destination. Damn, there are plenty officers that just came back from work I guess. Ha. So I'm going to a bookstore. Then I'm arrived at Literature section. Ah man, you have no idea how much I love classic literature book. It feels like there's an urge on my mind to grab all of those books and runaway out from the bookstore and not going to the "cashier section" hahaha. But calm down, I didn't do that. I just read some books, that quite good and "put" it on my "book that worth to buy" list.

But seriously, this month I've spent half of my money quite fast without I realize. I've spent them by bought some dvd's and books, band t-shirt, foods, and some new flat shoes. But I barely spend my money to buy an accesories or stuff like that. I don't really like using necklace or ring, yeah kind like that. But sometimes, I do use it, yea. I'd rather spend my money to stuffs like on the above. Oh back to book, I planned to buy Sylvia Plath's book but it out of stuck. Shit. I've spent like my entire life to searching for her book. I'm not give up yet. Damn you Sylvia for amazed me with your beautiful mind.

And then I'm going to Cikini, to my favorite coffee shop all the time. Seriously, I really love this place. It's a good place to being alone and spending your night with good coffee and good atmosphere I thought. So I've been in here like 2 hours, listening to my ipod and watching people passing by. And incidentaly, I heard this conversation between girl and boy. I think they're a couple. And they're just in fight I guess. A boy asked a girl to forgive him and explained something, I don't know, I didn't really hear that. And then suddenly a girl cried and say a little out loud "I've give you everything I had, why did you do this to me". That's the only sentence I heard clearly. And the boy explained something again. I didn't heard it. Ah damn you boy for not letting me heard what did you say. Okay, I'm a massive kepo.

The boy keep saying sorry to the girl. It start to entertain me I thought. I don't really heard what did they both said, all I heard in the end of their fight, the girl would forgive the boy, but the boy should bought her a things that she like. And the boy agreed, the boy said he would bought the girl a bag, idk, he said Hermes if I wasn't wrong. And they hugged. And go to the exit door. They leave the coffee shop.

I just can't say a word. It's a kind of pity, a kind of sad, what a shame, we sacrifice our self esteem for material things like a bag. Or anything else. The society is kinda fucked up nowadays.  The world is mad and the people are sad.

Woah, it kinda amazed me that I've wrote this long shit. I think I should go home now. The coffee shop is going to close I thought. I should go home now. Or they'll expell me and send me to the garbage. I didn't want that. Good night. Have a nice day.

Xo, 

Me.

p.s: I can't wait to meet my boyfriend. He's going back from Jogjakarta tomorrow ;p 

 There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
 There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
 There is society, where none intrudes,
 By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
 I love not man the less, but Nature more,
 From these our interviews, in which I steal
 From all I may be, or have been before,
 To mingle with the Universe, and feel
 What I can ne'er express, yet cannot all conceal.

-George Gordon, Lord Byron

A thought of a Dreamer #10

Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being a part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can’t stop. Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. This is forever friendship. When you’re down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. Your forever friend holds your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry.

You have a forever friend, and forever has no end.

And in that moment, i swear we were infinite

In this photo: {jorgie, bertho, okto and Me}. Taken in Saturday night. Felt an immeasurable freedom, eternal, a perpetual force of nature like most teenagers do.

That "L" Word

We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it always happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of those lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. You will remember having conversations with this person that never actually happened. You will recall sexual trysts with this person that never technically occurred. This is because the individual who embodies your personal definition of love does not really exist. The person is real, and the feelings are real-but you create the context. And context is everything. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else

Hello December

please be good to me :)

Things that are goods:

  

1. Books that could makes me feel happy or kind of sad

2. Beautiful photographs and artwork

3. Cameras, especially old analog film ones

4. Anticipation before getting your first look at your developed roll of film
5. Excitement

 

 6. Alex Turner's face

 

7. The Smiths and Arctic Monkeys!

8. 40's-60's culture

9. Antique shops, macbook, the internet, really good music

10. Find an old records with good condition and good prices on music store

11. When the song next on shuffle is exactly what you want to hear

12. When you see a really cute member of the opposite sex on the sidewalk

13. When your social anxiety doesnt get in the way once in a while

14. Understanding whats on a test

15. Laughing

16. Journaling

17. Reading over past journals

18. Realizing your self worth

19. Realizing your talents or got a new skills

20. Writing exactly what you feel for the first time around

21. Reading eloquent wording when you write eloquent wording

22. Daydreaming

23. The possibilities in one piece of white paper

24. Sharing a joke with a friend

25. Have a deep conversation with someone you will never expect to

26. Being heard and being told that youre good enough

27. Knowing that youre good enough

28. Loving something

29. Sharing something

30. Finally, letting go

An Afternoon Walk

So, a few days ago, I went to Thamrin with my schoolmate, Lita. And below are some pictures that I took there :)

A thought of a Dreamer #9

You know what, people are capable of change. People are capable of change after they’ve been hurt, beaten, broken, opened, and enlightened. People are capable of real genuine change when they’ve seen and empathized with others who are hurting because of them. It is tedious, and trying, but how dare you continue to criticize someone who has clearly put their whole being into changing. They are just desperately looking for someone to believe in them and you are shutting down every effort they’ve given. Shame on your cynicism, and your misanthropic views of people.

That moments when.......

It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t come back. You’re left so alone.... that you can’t explain.

A thought of a Dreamer #8

"It's funny how we always find ourselves wanting to run back to the ones we used to love, for some reason, think it would work out differently the second time"

An Afternoon Potraits

This is my boy, Bobby <3

Arm stretched out to the sky

 "You are the bird whose wings came
when I awakened in the night and called.
Only with my arms I called, because your name
is like a chasm, a thousand nights deep.
You are the shadows in which I quietly slept,
and your seed devised in me each dream,—
you are the image, but I am the frame
that makes you stand in glittering relief."

— Rainer Maria Rilke, from “The Guardian Angel,” in The Book of Images, trans. Edward Snow

We sit and talk quietly, with long lapses of silence, and I am aware of the stream that has no language, coursing beneath the quiet heaven of your eyes, which has no speech

[Ironic. It feels like everything between me and my boyfriend is changing. And not for the better. Everything just went wrong and fucked up. *sigh* *tear rolls down cheek*] 

Couldn't explain more.
Bye :)

#RIP

             "World owe much for your outstanding innovation. Thanks for making the Apple more than just a fruit. Thanks for the great inventions. You left your mark on our desks, on our ears and in our hands. Thank you for bringing the future. RIP Steve Jobs"

Does it break my heart? Of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of, I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent, I never thought about things at all, everything changed, the distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness wasn’t the world, it wasn’t the bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, I don’t know, but it’s so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I’ve thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it.

A thought of a Dreamer #7

You know what's one of the saddest sound in the world? Children playing. There is just something about sitting in your room with the windows open, listening to their joy and laughter. It's like there is some sort of magic going on outside that you can no longer join in on. Something you can no longer grasp. A secret club you can't It's like there is some sort of magic going on outside that you can no longer join in on. Something you can no longer grasp. A secret club you can't remember the password to. And you realize that you've grown up.

A thought of a Dreamer #6

#lasttrip

  I want to go on a road trip, just you, me, the high way and the radio. The blue sky, the back roads, and windows down. We'll talk about everything and nothing. We'll taking a lot of silly photographs, laughing, giggling, hugging, kissing. Everything. Like there's no end in this journey. We sing along with our terrible voice, you hold my hand like you'll never let me go. We'll sing our hearts out. And we'll make memories we'll never , ever forget. Just you and me.

What To Write

Most of things I write are things I'm scared to say out loud. Everything I say never comes close to what I really feel. Everything I feel can... never actually be explained. It's like, umh, you know, an endless cycle of mixed emotions I'll never know how to clarify to anyone...not even my self.

//THE ZOOC MANIA ZOOMINON

So, I had a photoshoot session with my classmates on Saturday. It was pretty fun, for real. Because  actually, I didn't make any concept or 't for this photoshoot. Of course I didn't tell my pals about that hahaha. Maybe if  people asked me what is the  concept of this photoshoot, I have no idea how to answer it, so... I'd rather kick them in the face to shut their mouth up. Just kidding of course! Enjoy!

[and yes, that ugly foot is mine]

[the talents]

[the people on that day]