July 27, 2014


It's been almost 3 months. I remember how excited I am when I'm making promise to myself that when this long break begin, I will become productive. I'm going to seek for internship or part time jobs. But here's the bitter fact: I end up doing nothing during holiday (beside taking care of my store). Eat, sleep, watching Korean TV Series, shopping, repeat. I absolutely enjoyed it at first but now I find it really frustrating. Fats  everywhere, and this dark circle under my eyes is getting darker every single day and I almost spend all of my profit from selling clothes... TO BUY MORE CLOTHES AND MAKE UP.

Now I have no idea how to support myself for the next month, I hope I'm not going starve to death. How can I be so dumb, spending all my money from working really hard for the sake of clothes and make up. I've been applying for jobs, from fashion magazine internship, graphic designer to part time sales associates and barista jobs. I've applied everywhere. And to be honest, I haven't got any job yet. So, I'm pretty much freaking out. Although, it's still less than a week since the last time I'm applying jobs. A bit dramatic, I know. But, I have a reason to be.

So here I am, testing my luck, trying my best to get out of survival mode and get my comfortable, frugal and peaceful life back. I can't wait to be back college and hopefully I get hired and start working on August. I really want a job right now.

And Happy Eid Mubarak everyone. 
May the Guidence and Blessings of Allah Be With You and Your Family.

July 26, 2014

An Open Letter To The Person I Choose To Leave In The Past

So, hello, you. We haven’t talked in a long time, two years I guess. Until you texted me several days ago. I deleted your number, but I knew exactly who it was. You ask me how's life, how's my family, how's college. And at that time I started wondering how this conversation will ended up like.  And as we continue texting, all the memories and those crumpled thought come flooding back.

My mind starts to wandering to the past. To the beginning when you were my everything and how obsessed I am with this "ghost" in you. I loved the fact that this ghost makes me felt like there was some dark side in the corner of your mind that I couldn’t get to. There was this honest, mystery, unexplored fragment of your soul that I was hoping and trying my best I could reach. I thought the ghost would agree with my thought that I'm different than everyone who has tried ask him before and then let me come into you, but I am not. I was so disillusioned but I tried to reconnect, again and again and again. I keep trying to show you that the time we spent together is not waste of time. But the ghost shot me down. No, I was wrong, it was You. You shot me down. More times than I can count — I reached my hand out but you recoiled. And that's the time I think I'm done trying.

And as the time goes by, I finally can accept that what happened between us in the past is never been your fault, not the ghost's, or me, it's none of us fault. I finally can deal with the fact that things don’t always turn out the way you want them to, or the way you picture they will. Things aren’t completely black and white, or right and wrong. Things are complicated. Sometimes people just aren’t meant to be. It’s no one’s fault. That sappy love quotes are definitely right, two people who were once in love can fall back out just as easily. I’m not sure why this happens, but I guess it's because people change; they grow apart. Their ideas on life and the future begin to change. And in the end, they heading for opposite directions.

As much as I wish things could ended up differently between us, I know that there's nothing we could do. I don't regret ever being with you, never. I never regret being rejected by the ghost in you everytime I'm asking to come inside. And I don’t feel like it was a waste of time. We gave it our best. But now, I think it’s time for us to move on. For you to move on. To forget about me. To forget about the way my hand felt in yours. To forget the way my eyes would focus only on you when you're talking. To forget the way I would rub your back to calm you down when you got angry. To forget the way I  introduce you to my friends and family, like you were my everything. To forget about how I would laugh at your jokes, even when you knew that wasn't funny. To forget about the way my eyes lit up when you start talked about something that both of us are passionate about. To forget the meaningless conversations about life at 3 AM. To forget about the future that we were supposed to have together.

I’d be lying if I said that seeing your number pop up on my screen didn’t makes
me feel marvelous but I'm sorry I choose to leave you in the past and I think you should do the same.