from: Citra Diah Utami <citra.d.utami@gmail.com>
to: Charlie Kelmeckis <charlie.kelmeckis@outlook.com>
date: 25 April 2016 22.15
subject: What It's Like To Be An Extrovert With Depression At The Same Time
Dear Charlie,
I am writing to you because he said you'll listen and understand. I'm sorry it took so long for me to writing this letter (or a confession) to you. I must admit that I was really embarassed to talk about this subject. Charlie, my first experience with depression occurred in the beginning of my high school. High school, basically in my opinion was a horrible wasteland of low self-esteem. I was absolutely sure life my was a bleak, never ending cycles of waking up and going to sleep and hating every second in between.
Looking back to that time in my life, it’s blindingly clear to me how depressed I was. I did not want to go to school, I did not want to see my friends, I did not want to get out of bed (Although in the end I kept doing those activities for the sake of my parents). I hated myself for being so sad and I was so embarrassed and confused and I never told anyone about it. My family claimed I had a natural talent to be dramatics and it's just my overreaction towards my adolescence stage. Yes Charlie, they obviously had no idea what they were talking about. And sadly, my depression did not give any manual book or instruction how to cope with it. It did not said “ eat that pills combine with five times pray and you will be cured.” Simply put, it makes you feel utterly alone
But that's not the worst part, Charlie. The worst part is how difficult it is to be a very happy, cheerful person with depression at the same time. It's a strange
combination, right? Because, when there is an issue of someone struggling with depression,
most people assume they’re miserable. Like, they stereotyping someone who struggling with depression should have super swollen eyes from crying every single time. They can’t laugh, they can’t
smile, they can’t enjoy themselves, they don’t feel happiness. They have no idea Charlie, that depression is not picky. It latches onto anyone. Rich or poor, young or old, introverted or extroverted.
And I did hide it so well, Charlie. From everyone (except my family of course). And for someone extrovert like me, who surrounds themselves with a bunch of people, it’s easier to hide depression than to deal with
it. Now you ask me Chalie what it's like to be a cheerful happy go lucky kind of person that always carry her depression and constantly maintaining a bright
personality even in the midst of real issues? It feels like hell. It feels like the demon is playing with your mind and then suffocating it. It feels like
you are the biggest liar in the world. It makes your depression is something that only you can
deal with, when you can finally take off “the mask” after a long day. The mask is the cover for me to stop people from being skeptical of the inner turmoil that I suppress.
Suffering a depression as an extrovert often comes down to not being
taken seriously. It’s like society, even your family not validating your disease. It’s like people
not believing your struggle. It’s like being told “What do you mean you are coping with depression? You always seem so happy.” Yes, Charlie, I don’t mope, I still smile and appear to be genuinely happy almost all
the time – and that means I can’t have depression in their eyes. It’s like hearing how you must be exaggerating your condition because
there is no way you can be laughing with friends on the same night you
go home and cry yourself to sleep. But I dont blame them, Charlie. They don’t see any dark thoughts. How could the idea of suicide or simply slitting wrist ever
enter someone’s head who is always so cheerful? Well, I’m here to tell you Charlie, that just because you don’t see that darkness and gloominess on the
outside, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist somewhere deep on the inside.
Being an extrovert with depression is like knowing that people will make you happy
because sometimes being happy by yourself seems like an impossible task.
Being an extrovert with depression is like having a constant need to be there for everyone but yourself. Being an extrovert with depression is like continuously wanting to solve everyone’s problems. Being an extrovert with depression is – as crazy as this sounds – feeling as if you
aren’t allowed to be depressed because you have to be the one to have it
all together. You have to be the person people gravitate towards to
when they want to have a good time. Being an extrovert with depression is not allowed to have someone ask you how you are
doing because you always have to make them sure that you have no legitimate problems. There is always, a really fucked up, dark side of me that I don’t like people to see.
Thus Charlie, being an extrovert with depression is a very odd combination to live with, that’s for sure. Depression, in my opinion is a war within you and your mind. And I refuse to let my depression control me. I
refuse to let it put me in a permanent sorrow state. I refuse to let
it affect the people around me. I’m someone who is
cheerful, passionate and loves to laugh and smile and have a good time and I’m not
going to ever let depression take that away from me. Charlie, I am not ashamed to tell you now, that I'm an extrovert who used to cope with depression, already spent a lot of time feeling isolated, out of control, and weak. And if there is one precious thing I’ve learned throughout
my experiences, it’s that the feelings of hopeless, anger, and pain, will one day be gone and replaced with feelings of joy,
accomplishment, success, and happiness as long as you hold on. It's cliche, but it's true.
Charlie, I should probably go to sleep now. It's very late. I don't know why I wrote a lot of this down for you to read. I hope you don't mind. Till next time, then!
Love always,
Citra
*Charlie Kelmeckis is the main fictional protagonist character in "The Perks Of Being A Wallflower" novel by Stephen Chbosky
No comments:
Post a Comment